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Here are some old short stories/sketches that I wrote years ago. (Most of them were written when I was a teenager)
(Rating refers to my own assessment of the quality of the sketch, where one star means 'Not exactly my best', while five stars means, well, 'Exactly my best', I suppose.)
|Sketch or whatever||Rating||Year|
|The Oprah Winfrey Show sketch||**||1995|
|The horoscope section of the Daily Lie||**||1995?|
|The Realm of the Fish Place||***||1996|
|The Daily Outrage - 14/9/98||****||1998|
|The Sunday Outrage - 25/4/99||****||1999|
|The Daily Outrage - 19/8/99||****||1999|
|The Daily Outrage - 18/9/99||****||1999|
|The Daily Outrage - 28/9/99||***||1999|
|Details on the short stories that I have written...||****||1995-2004|
|The dregs: I've moved the weakest items to a separate page, click here if you really must||*||1995-1997|
|TechTales: There's nothing like a good Technical Support story to cringe at. And all the best ones are right here.||***|
|DILBERT: Possibly the best cartoon strip ever created.||*****|
|MI5 - Espionage Solutions||****|
|The Alternative Guide to Bracknell||****|
|TV Go Home: Created by the now-relatively-famous Charlie Brooker, this site is essential viewing for anyone with a slightly twisted sense of humour. Has now been made into a good book and a not-so-good TV series.||*****|
Oprah: Today we talk to old psychotic homosexual disabled serial killers who ate their own parents with only orange juice to take the taste away. (Woman in the audience stands up) Woman: Ah believe that the constitooshun of the Youunaated Stayts of Uhmericah should let these poor men walk free on the streets withaht the maydiah haanding them all the tahm. Oprah: First, we speak to this man here, Mr Lincton. You were the one who ate his parents with orange juice. Mr Lincton: That's raaaaaht. Oprah: Are you some kind of insane psychopath? How could you do that? Orange juice? That's no way to say goodbye! Why didn't you have wine or champagne? Woman in the audience: Ah think you're naht being fair on hiym. (Everyone claps). He maht naht be able to afford wahn. (Everyone claps again) Oprah: What did your parents taste like? Mr Lincton: They were goddamn tough, gurhl, you know what ahm sayin'? Oprah: Which one tasted better, your mahm or your paaahp? Mr Lincton: The goddamn bitch, she was succ-u-luhnt. Audience: Oooohh! Oprah: What do you think, sir? Man in audience: Ah think that mayahn should dah a harrabahl and paynfahl dayath. He should be ripped to pieces bah mahsive lahns and tahguhrs. (Everyone claps wildly) Oprah: Surely that is cruel? Man: If ah wuhr the Prehsidehnt, ah would mahke sure that he was totally daehd. Oprah: Well, we've got to leave it there. Tomorrow, we talk to homosexual ninja monkeys from the planet Neptune.
Pisces: You may meet an interesting rhinoceros who will try to comfort you. Hit him with a large mallet. Sagittarius: Avoid the ground. Jupiter may influence you to buy some new cutlery - stainless steel, preferably. Aquarius: You don't know which way to turn for help. How about sixty degrees left? Gemini: It's time to make some serious decisions. The influence of Pluto on Uranus signifies that you should think about getting something done about your piles. Aries: You are going to meet a tall, dark stranger. Unfortunately he's holding a large gun. Run for it! Leo: Financial constraints will be a major influence on your decisions. Blah, blah, mystic forces, intervening of the planets and all that bollocks. Virgo: You're feeling exasperated, whatever that means. Try killing someone. Your love life is about to take a turn for the better. (Not. We just said that to try and cheer you up). Libra: Beware of the dog. Unless, of course, it's a small Labrador, as they're quite friendly actually. If attacked by any exploding giraffes, consider taking less LSD. Scorpio: You're at a turning point in your life. Everything is becoming clear. WARNING: Do not eat any cornflakes - they may exacerbate that alarming growth. Don't try to deny it - you know the one we're talking about. Cancer: Someone... with the initial 'm'.... and a red tie... will be winning... a big priieieieze... Taurus: Feel like your life is just going round and round in circles? You need to let out the huge energies you've been keeping inside you. Try not to explode too violently. Capricorn: Mind the gap. Mind the gap. This train will be stopping at: Upwey, Dorchester South, Wareham, Wool, Hamworthy, Poole, Bournemouth, Brockenhurst, Southampton Central, Southampton Airport Parkway, Winchester and London Waterloo. Estimated time arrival at London is 1700 hours. (Sound of someone sneezing). Ophicuhus: You obviously don't believe in all this horoscope stuff, or you wouldn't be reading this entry. Just don't try to spread your views, or you may meet a psycho with an axe. You have been warned.
In July 1996, at the age of 17, I worked at the Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food - Fish Diseases Laboratory, in Weymouth. During my time there I wrote a nice piece of software for them. Occasionally, when I had no tasks to attend to, I would go temporarily insane. The products of my deranged mind are on display here.
The reasoning was this: In life, there are many common experiences that we all know of, yet no words exist for these events.
Meanwhile, there are a whole load of spare words which have no meanings other than being used to refer to places. I'm talking about the names of towns and cities here.
The book was called The Meaning of Liff, and the idea was to combine these words with appopriate meanings. In a funny way, of course. This it did successfully.
There was also a sequel, called The Deeper Meaning of Liff. This contained all the words from the first book, plus a load of new ones.
I recommend that everyone in the world buy these books.
Anyway, I have also come across many things which there are no words for, and I'd now like to share them with you.
Note that I have not assigned words to most of these meanings, as I have no spare words lying around... Some of the later ones DO have words; this was due me looking at all the signposts during a long car journey...
Also note that you might not understand this as well if you have not read The Meaning of Liff. It only costs a few pounds, so there's no excuse not to buy it...
Words marked with * were matched to my original meanings by Mark Stevens.
|The way in which a perfectly normal person suddenly finds themself talking when interviewed on the One O'Clock News.|
|The feeling of sarcasm when, while walking down a street, you get stuck behind someone walking ridiculously slowly.|
|The twisting of the buttocks and feet caused by having the hair around your ears cut.
(Or is that just me?)
|The annoyance you feel when the hairdresser never gets round to cutting your fringe, then the confusion you feel when you realise that, nevertheless, your fringe is shorter.|
|Of a TV presenter, to pretend that pressing the buttons on a remote control is directly affecting events within the programme (for example, people disappearing, or the scene changing).|
|The devastation you feel when you realise that the beautiful heroine in the film you are watching is now sixty years old.|
|To switch the snooker on, hear no sound, turn up the volume, then suddenly hear David Vine bellow "RONNIE NEEDS JUST ONE COLOUR TO CLINCH THE FRAME" at one hundred decibels.|
|A car with yellow headlights.|
|Something you thought was cool when you were a kid, but is now blatantly crap. For example, cars with yellow headlights.|
|The awe and wonder experienced when using a disabled toilet for the first time, and seeing a new and exciting toilet layout.|
|Feeling guilty about using the disabled toilet.|
|A sex scene in a film which lasts two seconds.|
|The mellow moving backgrounds used during Final Score on Grandstand.|
|Wearing crap clothes because you're not going out.|
|Wearing crap pants because you're not having sex.|
|The name of a supermarket's own brand of cereal which sound incredibly similar to the Kelloggs variety.
For example, 'Coco Pops' becomes 'Choco Pops'.
|Putting too many Rice Krispies in the bowl, so that they overflow when you put the milk in.|
|A clock in a bedroom which ticks loudly all through the night.|
|The sudden realisation that you can't hear the clock ticking, and therefore must be almost asleep.|
|Trying to see the movement of the minute hand.|
|A French cartoon epic with fifty episodes and characters who blush all the time.|
|The fear of overtaking a police car.|
|An indoor scene at night in a film, where it is much brighter than it would be in real life.|
|(During a game of snooker)
To hear the applause of the crowd on the other side of the partition, and wonder if their match is more interesting.
|(Also during a snooker match)
The crowd's disdain for anyone playing against Jimmy White.
|A large vehicle driven into the Blue Peter studio.|
|An American teenager who looks five years older than his British counterpart.|
|Someone with three girlfriends who tells single people that THEY'RE the lucky ones.|
|Empathising with an outcast monkey who can't find a mate.|
|While on holiday in France, to amuse yourself by walking around shouting "J'ai une grande baguette."|
|The harsh braking of a train.|
|The part of the train journey where the train stops for half an hour, half a mile from the station where you're getting off.|
|A toddler who is happy at the moment, but is bound to cry sooner or later.|
|The signs at train stations which tell you where you are.|
|Someone who steals your ideas by thinking them up independently.|
|The man who has done all the voice-overs for all film trailers, ever.|
|A rare kibblesworth (see The Meaning of Liff). For example, 56p.|
|A kid who pretends to be Superman by bending very weak objects with his bare hands.|
|The bit during a dump-session when you relax your arse muscles and the turd is sucked straight back up your rectum. ;(|
|At a large family gathering:
Of a group of grown men, to make jokes about eating the hamster/gerbil/rabbit/guinea pig to the youngest member of the family.
|A motorist who waves you on at a roundabout, even though it's his right of way.|
|A birthday card to a child which is supposedly from the family dog.|
|Someone else's baby which stares at you as if it had never seen another human before.|
|The pause just before someone chooses their final letter on Countdown.|
|A stereotypical Englishman on an American or Australian film/TV show.|
|A queue of infuriated drivers behind a very slow learner.|
|A window cleaner who cleans your bedroom window while you're getting dressed.|
|The moment in an episode of Star Trek, or while reading a book, when you realise that there are only three minutes (or pages) left before it is due to end, and the entire plot will have to be resolved instantaneously.|
|The feeling of satisfaction that comes halfway through an extremely long period of urination.|
|(Internet jargon) Someone who sits in an IRC channel and says nothing for seven hours.|
|One of those small insects which spends its entire life hovering in front of your eyeball.|
|The nightmarish vision that is the underside of the tounge.|
|A knob which will be numb and useless for the next two days.|
|Someone who you drive past on the motorway, but later overtakes you because his lane is less congested than yours.|
|Someone who pulls out to overtake, then indicates.|
|Someone who is driving through London for the first time.|
|Polite term for kicking someone in the bollocks.|
|Descriptive of the wording and spelling of a poem submitted as GCSE English coursework by a fourteen year old boy.|
|The state of mind of a teenager before 11am.|
|The shade of brown/orange which defined the 70s and 80s.|
|A lorry which drives at exactly the right speed and angle in relation to you on the motorway as to consistently obscure your vision of a sign at the roadside.|
|The act of dropping or planting conkers, acorns or apple seeds in someone's garden in the hope that it will grow into a massive inconveniently placed tree. Bwahahahahahaha!|
More as and when I think of them...
There was fury today when the sex drug Viagra was approved by the EU. The move was condemned by family groups, political parties and God. The Conservative MP for Werther's Originals, Lord Bentonbury, was quoted as saying "The people involved in this are evil. They should be taken out and shot at dawn. It's probably being organised by blacks and gays. Everything is these days. They're out to get me."
There are fears that Viagra will cost the NHS twenty billion pounds per second, and will be widely misused. A worrying trend that has been noticed recently is the gradual lowering of the age for sexual awareness in children. Dr Stephen Littleknob of Bournemouth University has been looking into this trend. He claims that within five years, with the help of Viagra, babies will be having casual sex at the nursery. This will lead to thousands, if not millions, of toddler pregnancies. The implications of this could be catastrophic. It has been scientifically proven that children whose parents are only five years older than them are 43% more likely to become unruly vagabonds with no moral values.
Nick Oliver, chairman of the pressure group Families Against Everything has written a letter of protest to the Prime Minister, insisting that Viagra be immediately banned for eternity, and all supporters of the drug be locked up and the key thrown away. They have also asked that sex be made illegal, claiming that it is evil, wrong, and was invented by young people. Sources in Downing Street say that the proposals are being seriously considered, and an announcement is expected soon.
Editorial Comment: The licencing of Viagra is another sign of the rapidly deteriorating family values of the 1990s. All right-thinking Radio 4 listeners must surely be seething in fury as they watch society crumble around them to the ghastly sounds of sex and 'gay rights' activists. It is high time that the Government takes action, and burns all those whose morals fall below the impeccable standards of Louise Woodward.
There was fury today when it was discovered that Fred West had been a big fan of Pong, the first ever videogame. Expert behavioural psychologists are certain that the game was the sole inspiration for West's killing sprees, and that had he not played the game, he would definitely have become a charity volunteer working to save endangered species in Kenya. The game was instantly condemned by family groups, political parties and God. The Conservative MP for Werther's Originals, Lord Bentonbury, was quoted as saying "The creators of Pong are sick and depraved. They have been corrupting our innocent children for years, and I fear it may be too late to reverse the effects. I propose we burn all children who have ever played a videogame."
Videogames have come a long way since Pong. A recent game, Lynda La Plante's Killer Net, requires the player to stalk and murder a young woman. Crime statistics show that incidences of stalking increased five hundred percent following the game's release. Another game, Doom, depicts graphic scenes of rape, eyeball gouging (extra points are given if the player eats the eyeballs), ethnic cleansing, and excreting on babies. The sequel to Doom - Half-Life - requires the player to scrawl graffiti on every surface he sees, while simulatenously shooting animals and swimming through pools of radioactive semen.
Nick Oliver, chairman of the pressure group Families Against Everything has written a letter of protest to the Prime Minister, insisting that videogames be immediately banned for eternity, and all videogame developers locked up and the key thrown away. They have also asked that fun be made illegal, claiming that it is evil, wrong, and was invented by Satan. Sources in Downing Street say that the proposals are being seriously considered, and an announcement is expected soon.
Editorial comment: We cannot sit idly by and let these monstrosities turn our stupid helpless children into bloodthirsty killing machines with no respect for Louise Woodward. We must all kneel down and pray to God that these games will be banned soon. Then we can get the teenagers out of the house and onto the street corners where they belong.
There was fury today when it was revealed that the A-Level exam pass rate had gone up for the 17th year in a row. The result was instantly condemned by family groups, political parties and God. The Conservative MP for Werther's Originals, Lord Bentonbury, was quoted as saying "This result is inconceivable. Every good citizen knows that the children of today are stupid, brain-dead, barely coherent morons who deserve to be placed on spikes and burnt to a within an inch of their lives."
Students claim that they are under greater pressure than ever to succeed. This simply does not square with the facts. Everyone knows that all young people spend all their time taking heroin, having unprotected sex, and mugging old ladies.
Increasingly, universities are complaining that new students arrive with insufficient education and skills. One lecturer, who didn't want to be named, said that standards had been going down for years. "A few years ago," he told us, "some of the new students we were getting couldn't even read capital letters. It's got much worse since then. Some of our new students haven't yet learnt to walk. Some aren't even potty trained. The brightest student I know of is one who spends all her day colouring in the course notes with crayons."
Nick Oliver, chairman of the pressure group Families Against Everything has written a letter of protest to the Prime Minister, insisting that capital punishment be introduced in schools, and that all children be locked up and the key thrown away. They have also asked that the property of youth be made illegal, claiming that it is dangerous and subversive. Sources in Downing Street say that the proposals are being seriously considered, and an announcement is expected soon.
Editorial comment: Young people are a scourge on humanity. One must despair that qualifications these days are obtainable simply by scrawling 'uurrnnggh' in vomit on the exam paper, then defecating on the invigilator. To think our country will soon be run by sub-vegetable life forms. However, there is a ray of hope. If all children can turn to the shining example of Louise Woodward, all of society's problems will be solved instantaneously. We can but hope.
There was fury today when it was revealed that genetically modified crop trials had been illegally given the go-ahead by the Government. The action was instantly condemned by family groups, Christian fundamentalists and God. The Conservative MP for Werther's Originals, Lord Bentonbury, was unavailable for comment. We suspect the infidel has no interest in protecting the public from these evil mutant alien hybrid baby-eating creations.
There have recently been a spate of attacks by environmental campaigners on GM trial fields. These courageous vegetable lovers have been relentlessly working for the public good, annhiliating the foul stench of these mutant vegetables from our green and pleasant land. One protester, who wanted to be known as 'Squelchy', told us "I love plants, unless they're genetically modified. I don't mind if traditonal breeding techniques are used. But if they were to make exactly the same plant by artifical means, I would be duty-bound to set about it with an axe. Those GM crops have no soul, man."
Prince Charles, renowned for his competence in all matters, told The Daily Outrage, "Well, you know, genetically modified foods are wrong, because they are an attempt by scientists to bugger about with God's work. And I mean bugger in the most literal sense of the word". We also spoke to God Himself, who said "Don't get me wrong, Darwin was a wonderful fellow, you couldn't hope to meet a nicer man. But I sent him to hell. That is all I have to say on the matter."
Nick Oliver, chairman of the pressure group Families Against Everything has written a letter of protest to the Prime Minister, insisting that all GM crop trials and researchers be burned and that bread and wine should be the only foods legally available. They have also asked that progress be made illegal, claiming that it encourages people to turn into baby-eating zombies. Sources in Downing Street say that the Prime Minister threw the letter away without reading it. Mr Oliver is since believed to have gone into a coma, unable to cope with being ignored.
Editorial Comment: Genetically modified crops may look green and nourishing, but within dwells a beast. A beast which sits in the fields quietly, trying to lull us into a false sense of security. But as soon as a baby comes near, the feasting will begin. After dancing in pools of the infant's blood, the plants will uproot themselves and march on the home of Louise Woodward - her ample body will provide them with enough nourishment to take over the world. Of course, this is only one possible outcome. It would be foolish to suggest this scenario was a certainty. But should we let so-called 'scientists' do further research into the monsters? No. Every second we wait before nuking the GM trial sites, we risk becoming their supper. The Government's inaction can mean only one thing - the takeover has started already. Tony Blair is one of Them. We propose that the RAF load their bombers with herbicides and attack Downing Street. Only then can our brave, brave Louise be safe from the jaws of the Devil.
There was fury today when the European 'Court' of 'Human' 'Rights' declared that Britain's ban on gays in the armed forces was illegal. The judgement was instantly condemned by family groups, Tories and God. The Conservative MP for Werther's Originals, Lord Bentonbury, was quoted as saying "This ruling sickens me to the core. I fought in the war in order to prevent this country falling into the hands of Johnny Foreigner. Now, that same man has told our nation that we have to have buggery in the army. I couldn't get any when I was there - neither should today's soldiers!". He added, "This is off the record, right?"
This is the latest in a long series of cases where Brussels has
buggered messed about with our laws. Britain's banana growers are still being hit hard by the much-publicised straight banana regulation, which is now mandatory for all European countries. The murdering nasty Euro twcrats also want to see our beloved pounds and ounces obliterated, and want to replace the Queen with Asterix the Gaul.
Major Gen. Micheal Hosgrove, commander of the 27th Infantry Brigade, told us "Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against gays myself - but I wouldn't put one in charge of a bayonet. You can just imagine where he'd want to stick it."
Nick Oliver, chairman of the pressure group Families Against Everything has written a letter of protest to the Prime Minister, insisting that the homosexual age of consent be increased to 80 years. The letter was instantly condemned by Lord Bentonbury, who is 75.
Editorial Comment: Britain's armed forces are a national treasure. Recently, their work in Bosnia and Kosovo has demonstrated their compassion - almost on the Diana scale - for poor, inferior foreigners. Unfortunately, every good citizen knows that gays would destroy all this hard work in an instant. Humanitarian aid holds no interest for them - their sole objective in life is to let their pigs run freely through the chocolate factories of innocent soldiers.
Furthermore, this case highlights the utter stupidity of all non-British courts. As Louise Woodward demonstrated, foreigners are totally incapable of grasping the concept of justice - their so-called courts of law exist soley to mock the glorious isles on which we live.
If you want to read any of these, e-mail me and request one or all of them.
Copyright 1997-2010 Andrew R. Gillett