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ARGanoid's comedy page: the dregs

Here are some old short stories/sketches that I wrote when I was a teenager. The ones on this page are the dregs, relegated from the main comedy page due to their poor quality.


The tale of the pregnant arm (1995)

(In a doctors surgery)

Man: Doctor, it's my arm.

Doctor: It's very swollen. Do you have any idea of what's wrong with
it?

Man: I think it's pregnant.

Doctor: What?

Man: My arm. It's pregnant.

Doctor: Don't be stupid, it's your arm. How can it be pregnant?

Man: I was hoping you could tell me that.

(The doctor gets a stethoscope and listens to the man's arm)

Doctor: Great scott! I can hear a heartbeat!

Man: There you go, then.

Doctor: Do you have any idea of how this could have happened?

Man: Well, it's been like this for a few months. It must have been
conceived around then.

Doctor: Are you human?

Man: I beg your pardon?

Doctor: Well, I saw this film where these aliens had their wombs in
their ears.

Man: I don't think I'm one of them.

Doctor: Then there must be a perfectly reasonable explaination. Are
you some kind of masochistic pervert, by any chance?

Man: Not last time I checked.

Doctor: What kind of things were you doing a few months ago? Didn't
you come to see me about something?

Man: Yes, I remember. I had a cold, and you suggested that I got
vaccinated.

Doctor: (Coughs). Erm, yes, I did, didn't I? (He looks into the corner
of the room, where seven empty bottles of vodka are in the bin).
Quite.

Man: It's amazing the things modern technology can do. I never knew
you could get vaccinated against colds.

Doctor: Um, yes, it's quite remarkable, isn't it? Did it work?

Man: Yes, my cold disappeared after about three days.

Doctor: And which room did you get the vaccination in?

Man: It was room 371, if I remember correctly.

Doctor: (Thinks: Oh no! Not room 371! Not the fertility treatment
room!)
What happened when you went in the room?

Man: There was nobody in there.

Doctor: NHS cuts.

Man: There was a needle thing on the side. I assumed it had the cold
vaccine in it.

Doctor: And where did you inject the contents into yourself?

Man: In the arm.

Doctor: The pregnant one?

Man: Yes. Do you know what's wrong?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good
news: you will soon be the father of a little boy. The bad news: I
will also be his father.

Man: WHAT?

Doctor: NHS cuts. We can only afford to put the chromosomes of the
doctors into the banks. DIY fertility treatment.

Man: So you're the father of my child?

Doctor: Yes. And I demand full visiting rights.

Man: Well, you can't have them.

Doctor: I'll take you to court. I won't let you keep my little
Zachariah away from me.

Man: Zachariah? I'm going to call him Hurbert.

Doctor: You're bloody well not.

Man: You try and stop me, er, mate...

Doctor: You fancy your chances, pal?

Man: Wait! He just kicked!

Doctor: Aaaaaahhhh!

Man: Hellooowowowowoww, little Herbie Werbie!

Doctor: Zachie Wachie, you mean.

Man: Sod off.

Doctor: I wouldn't annoy me too much if I were you. You're very
vunerable. One little bash on that arm...

Man: You wouldn't...

Doctor: Hahahahahhahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!


Not to be continued...


The tale of the little boy who wanted to be a fighter pilot (1995?)

(In Santa's grotto)

Santa: Ho ho ho. And what would you like to be when you grow up,
little boy?
Boy: I want to be a fighter pilot.
Santa: Then I will grant your wish! At your funeral you will be
remembered as the greatest fighter pilot who ever lived!

Eighty years later...

Santa's son: We are here to remember Fred, the greatest fighter pilot
who ever lived.
Man: What are you talking about? He wasn't a fighter pilot.
Son: We must remember him as one.
Man: Why? He was an estate agent.
Son: Because if you don't I will ram red hot pokers up your bottoms.
Man: I remember now, he was a brilliant fighter pilot, wasn't he?

And so the boy's wish came true...


The paranoid father sketch (1997)

Man walks into a room, where his toddler child has just painted a
picture.

Man looks at picture, which has a big blobby stick figure in lurid
colours, with the word 'daddy' underneath.

Man: I don't look like that, you little bastard! You're trying to
undermine my authority with propaganda like this, etc, etc...


PRINTF.C (1997)

(Only C programmers will understand this joke...)

This is a parody of the help files of Microsoft Quick C, which attempt to teach you one simple command by listing a massive, stupidly complex program...

/* PRINTF.C illustrates wormholes. Functions illustrated include:
 *          scanf           printf          fflush
 *
 * For other examples of wormholes, see Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
 * and DirectX 2.0
 */


time_t main (int argc, char *argv)
{
	struct xcv_strct
	{
		enum *f_posit;
		long double double_long;
	}

	union
	{
		struct xcv_strct qpow_e;
		char ****pointer_world [0xB0110C5];
	} v;

	if (x++ >= *(printf ("1101110101110", *pa_s(s)) & 1)
		scanf ("%d$$$.x", &(ptr+*(e=mc2)));

	if (&argv+1 ? v.qpow_e.f_posit : 12.09997)
		fflush (_BIOS_RUBBISHLANGUAGE_FLUSHTHINGS++);

}
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Copyright 1997-2010 Andrew R. Gillett