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Harry Potter and the Magic Sausage

By Andrew Gillett

Written 5th - 7th February 2004

Harry Potter and all that is copyright JK Rowling. Ms Rowling, if you or your lawyers see this, please don't sue me.


One day, Harry Potter and his friends Ron, Hermione and Adolf Hitler Jr were walking along
through the grounds of Hogwarts.

"Do you think we'll win the Quidditch championship this year, Harry?" asked Ron.

"I don't know," said Harry. "What with Malfoy bringing an AK-47 to school and Voldemort
 making faces at me from the terraces, it's going to be pretty difficult this year."

Ron shuddered. "You know I don't like it when you say his name, Harry."

"I like it," said Adolf.

"No-one asked you, twatface," said Harry.

"Harry!" snapped Hermione. "That was very mean - apologise to Adolf."

"Sorry," sneered Harry.

Hermione moved closer to Harry as they walked along, and whispered in his ear.

"You shouldn't keep treating him like that. He can't help who his father was."

"It's not just that," whispered Harry. "Why does he have to follow us around all the time?
 It's not like he's done anything to earn our friendship. And he's in Slytherin, too."

"I'm sure he has hidden qualities," said Hermione. "We just need to make him feel
 comfortable, then he'll relax and open up."

"What are you guys talking about?" asked Adolf from behind them. "Are you talking about me?
 Are you talking about how much you hate me?"

"No-one's talking about that, Adolf," said Hermione.

"But you do hate me though, don't you?" whined Adolf. "You hate my wispy square moustache.
 You hate my whiny voice. You hate the way I keep wetting myself in class. You hate the way
 I smell."

"We don't hate the way you smell, Adolf," said Hermione, almost but not quite managing to
 conceal a hint of exasperation in her voice.

"Oh, really?" asked Adolf. "Well, let's just find out whether you're telling the truth."
And with that, he suddenly shoved his armpit into Hermione's face. Hermione fell to the
ground, making retching sounds as Adolf's putrid armpit fumes descended into her lungs.

"Get away from me, you freak!" she spluttered. Ron helped her up.

"Listen, Adolf," said Harry angrily. "I think we need to re-evaluate our friendship.
 It's just not working out."

"But Harry!" wailed Adolf, suddenly on the verge of tears. "You're my best friend! Just
 give me one more chance, I'm begging you!"

"One more chance," said Harry.


---------


The first lesson of the day was Defence Against the Dark Arts. The students were still
having trouble getting used to their new teacher on the subject, Professor Dobby.

"The day may come," said Dobby, "when a bad man will try to cast the Avada Kedavra curse
 on you. It is important that students know how to escape this spell! Dobby will
 demonstrate."

He took a deep breath.

"Oh no! Oh no!" shouted Dobby, as he started to run around the room, waving his arms
 in the air. "Bad man trying to kill Dobby! Dobby going to wet himself pretty soon!"
Dobby ran towards Harry and leapt into his arms. "Harry Potter will save me!"

Dobby jumped back down to the ground. Harry hid his face behind his hands in embarrassment.

"And that," said Dobby, "is how you escape from the scary bad man. Any questions?"

A girl put her hand up. "What do we do if Harry Potter isn't there?"

Dobby considered this for a while. For a moment, Harry was sure he could dimly see strange
lights pulsing inside the house elf's head - perhaps, he wondered, this was what happened
when he thought really hard.

"If you do not have a Harry Potter with you," said Dobby, "then you must create one
 using the Patronus spell. You must all learn this so that you are prepared for the worst!
 Tomorrow we will all start practicing Harry Potter patronuses. Also, your homework for
 tonight is to write a poem about how great Harry Potter is. Class dismissed!"


-------


"Well, that was a short lesson," said Hermione disappointedly. Since Dobby had ended the
 lesson early, the group had taken to aimlessly wandering the corridors of Hogwarts.

"I can't say that I agree with Dobby's teaching methods," said Harry. "He seems to think
 I'm the second coming or something. As if producing a Patronus of me is going to help
 anyone."

"Well, I think it would," said Adolf. "I'm going to practice and practice until I can
 create a great big Patronus in your image. Will you help teach me, Harry?"

"No," said Harry.

"So what are we going to do now?" asked Ron.

"Peeing contest?" said Adolf.

"Shut up," said Ron.

As they walked along, the group suddenly became aware of voices behind a nearby door.
They stood still and started to listen. The conversation behind the door was highly
muffled, but they were able to make out a few words.

"...Magic Sausage.... Voldemort... extremely dangerous... must take action..."

"This is Dumbledore's office," whispered Harry.

"So that voice must be... Dumbledore's!" exclaimed Adolf.

The door opened suddenly. "Yes indeed," said Albus Dumbledore. "Come in, come in, I've
been expecting you!"

The students walked into Dumbledore's office. It appeared that Dumbledore had been alone
in the room.

"Professor Dumbledore?" asked Hermione. "Who were you talking to just now?"

"Ah, well, that was for your benefit, my young friends," said Dumbledore. "I appointed
 Dobby as Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, knowing that he would let you out of
 lessons early. I also determined that today, your wanderings would take you past the door
 to my office. I carefully timed my mutterings so that you would hear them."

"Why?" asked Ron.

"Because," said Dumbledore, "I have a task for the four of you. You presumably heard me
 mention the Magic Sausage a moment ago."

"What is the Magic Sausage, Professor?" asked Harry.

Dumbledore stroked his long white beard for a moment, then continued. "As you will remember,
 Voldemort sought out the Philosopher's Stone several years ago, hoping to use its powers
 to gain eternal life. When we realised that Voldemort was trying to get hold of it, it
 was decided that the stone would be destroyed. Unfortunately, the stone was not destroyed
 properly."

"Fuck!" shouted Adolf.

Dumbledore looked at him disapprovingly. "As I was saying," he continued in a sterner
 tone of voice, "the stone was destroyed, but we were not completely thorough. The stone
 was crushed until it was little more than a powdery dust, and we thought this would be
 sufficient. Unfortunately, the stone was destroyed near a pig farm, and the wind blew much
 of the dust onto the farm. Some of it must have found its way into the pigs' food troughs.
 It wasn't until a few months later that we realised something was wrong. A wizard passing
 by the farm noticed that one of the pigs was exhibiting strange behaviour, such as
 levitation. He notified me immediately, but before we were able to come to a decision as
 to what to do about it, the pig was taken to the slaughterhouse and turned into an extra-
 large sausage. Yes, Mr Hitler, what is it?"

Adolf had his hand up. "Please, Mr Dumbledore sir, I've wet myself."

Dumbledore sighed, and pointed his wand at Adolf's crotch.

"Expelliarmus!"

Several thousand droplets of urine suddenly detached themselves from Adolf's trousers,
flew across the room and landed neatly in a bucket in the corner.

"Not a use I'd normally recommend for that spell," said Dumbledore. "Without proper
 training, it can have quite unfortunate results. Now, where was I?"

"The sausage," said Hermione.

"Ah, yes. Well, I managed to find the butchers shop to which the sausage had been delivered,
 and was able to purchase it before it could fall into the wrong hands. I knew that the
 sausage would have the same powers as the Philosopher's Stone, so I had it locked away in
 the cellars here at Hogwarts so that Voldemort could not get his hands on it. And it's
 been there ever since."

"Professor?" asked Harry. "Why didn't you just have the sausage thoroughly destroyed?"

Dumbledore stared at him for a few seconds, his expression frozen.

"Damn! The thought never occurred to me! Oh well, it's irrelevant now. Voldemort has found
 out about the sausage and is on his way to eat it right now. In fact, he's entering the
 grounds of Hogwarts as we speak. I need you four to go and deal with him."

"What?!" shouted Harry. "You want us to stop him on our own? Aren't you going to help us?"

"For goodness sake Harry, I can't go around holding your hand every time you're in a risky
 situation. You're seventeen now, you need to start doing these things by yourself. Besides,
 Baywatch is on TV in a minute."

"But..."

"Baywatch." insisted Dumbledore. "I should get moving if I were you, he's probably nearly
 at the sausage by now."

Harry and his friends stared in shock at Dumbledore for a second, turned to each other,
then ran out of the room.


------


The group ran down a flight of stairs and found themselves in a small room within the
cellars of Hogwarts.

"Where is this sausage anyway?" asked Hermione. "There are hundreds of rooms down here,
 it could be anywhere!"

Ron sniffed. "I think I can smell rotting meat. Perhaps it's the sausage? It is four years
 old, after all."

"I think you're right," said Harry. "The smell seems to be coming from this direction." He
set off down a nearby corridor, with the others following close behind.

After a few minutes of walking down various corridors, Harry stopped. "Something's not
right here - the smell always seems to be stronger in places where we've just been."

After a moments thought, Harry, Ron and Hermione turned to face Adolf, who flinched
slightly.

"Sorry," he said. "I should have mentioned - I do tend to smell of rotting meat when my
 skin comes into contact with musty cellar air. Maybe I should-"

He was interrupted by Hermione. "Harry, look!"  She was pointing at a nearby doorway,
from which a strange glow was emanating.

The group slowly walked up to the doorway and looked through. On the other side was a
large room. A stone pedestal stood at the centre of the room, and on top of that was the
biggest sausage any of them had ever seen. The sausage gave off a yellowy-orange light which
bathed the entire room in warm colours.

"Wow," said Ron.

"It's magnificent!" said Harry.

"Looks shit to me," said Adolf.

Ron scowled at him. "Why do you always have to spoil everything?" he said angrily.

"Shut up!" whispered Hermione. "This isn't the time or place for arguing - Voldemort could
 turn up at any minute!"

Ron shuddered. "I felt really cold when you said his name, it almost felt like he was
 standing right behind me."

They all considered this for a second, then turned around.

"Greetings," said Lord Voldemort.

The group backed away from Voldemort as he stepped through the doorway.

"No Dumbledore, I see?" he continued. "Clearly I was wise to time my arrival with the start
 of Baywatch. Now my only inconvenience is that I will have to decide how to kill the four
 of you."

Harry stepped forward. "I've beaten you five times already, and I'll do it again."

"Pah," spat Voldemort. "Most of those times you defeated me using the power of love. Well,
 that's not going to work this time. I've bought a cute bunny rabbit called Mr Flopsy and I
 am now fully familiar with the workings of love. I am now completely immune to your
 powers."

Voldemort walked up to the sausage, pushing the young wizards out of the way as he passed
them. He smiled as he examined the sausage for a short time, then turned back to face
Harry.

"Before I kill you, there's something that I think you should know." He walked away from
 the sausage and started to circle Harry, Ron and Hermione.

"Dumbledore never told you about your father, did he?"

"What do you mean?" asked Harry.

Voldemort continued walking around them. "James Potter was your father."

"Yes, I know."

Voldemort stopped, a slightly confused expression briefly appearing on his face. "Oh. I
 suppose you would. Well, I've got something that will definitely surprise you. Draco
 Malfoy is your aunt."

"That's blatantly not true," said Harry. "If you're trying to confuse me, you're not doing
 a very good job of it."

"Whatever," said Voldemort. "I'll just kill you instead. As soon as I've had a bite from
 the sausage."

He turned back to the sausage pedestal, suddenly let out a howl of anger.

The sausage was gone. Adolf was standing next to the pedestal, chewing assiduously, and
occasionally licking his fingers.

"You! But..." shouted Voldemort. "Never mind! I'll just eat you instead!" He took a step
towards Adolf.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," said Hermione.

Voldemort turned his head to look at her. She appeared to have just taken an AK-47 assault
rifle from her rucksack.

"I nicked it off Malfoy the other day," she whispered to Harry and Ron.

Voldemort's hand slowly started to reach for his wand.

"One more move and I fire," said Hermione. Voldemort stopped.

"Come on Hermione," whispered Ron, "can't we let him eat Adolf and then shoot him? We'd be
 killing two birds with one stone!"

Suddenly Voldemort's hand moved at lightning speed, grabbing his wand and pointing it at
Hermione.

"AVADA KED-"

Hermione unleashed a hail of bullets. Voldemort dropped his wand and staggered backward.

"Oh arse," he groaned. He fell to the ground, as Hermione emptied another clip into him.

The four students nervously approached Voldemort's lifeless body and looked down at it for
a while.

"Well I never," said Harry. "I'd always thought we'd need to use magic to kill him."

He turned to Adolf.

"And I suppose I have to say well done, Adolf, for distracting him like that. If you hadn't
been here, we'd probably be dead by now."

"I need the toilet," said Adolf.


--------


Nine months later...


Albus Dumbledore was addressing the students at the end of term banquet.

"It is my pleasure to announce the results of this year's House Cup. I'm afraid that
 Gryffindor were docked 50 points for the use of an illegal firearm on the premises.
 Therefore, thanks to the efforts of Adolf Hitler Jr in assisting the defeat of Lord
 Voldemort, I am delighted to tell you that Slytherin have won the cup!"

Harry, Ron and Hermione sat in seething anger at the Gryffindor table.

"That little git," muttered Ron. "He won't be so immortal when I've finished with him."

Harry nodded. "Hermione, get the gun. It's arse-whupping time."




The end.

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Copyright 2010 Andrew R. Gillett (although trumped by JK Rowling's copyright over Harry Potter, obviously)