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In July 1996, at the age of 17, I worked at the Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food - Fish Diseases Laboratory, in Weymouth. During my time there I wrote a nice piece of software for them, which plotted the location of fish disease outbreaks on a world map. Occasionally, when I had no tasks to attend to, I would go temporarily insane. Now gasp in wonder as you see the incredible visions that I had.
The main event of last week was International Swapping Day, a new event in which many countries of the world swapped their geographical positions for the day. The action started right here in Britain, when we swapped places with Ireland. The Portuguese were the next to join in the fun, although they later got a bit worried when they found they had swapped places with Israel and Lebanon. Belgium also found itself in a tense situation when it found itself in the place of Bosnia-Herzegovina. In the ensuing confusion Luxembourg was knocked out of place, and was thought destroyed until it was later found next to Cyprus (which had earlier swapped places with Iceland). The Czech Republic participated by swapping places with Slovakia.
The action was not just in Europe: In Asia, one of the largest ever movements of land ever in the history of mankind was undertaken, when Australia and New Zealand swapped places with China and Japan. Unfortunately, the massive journeys bent all four countries slightly out of shape.
If you thought that sounded embarrassing, you obviously haven't heard about what happened in South America. Brazil swapped places with Chile - you don't need me to tell you that the results looked ludicrous.
The final death blow to the event came when the countries of Africa floated apart and refused to go back once the event was over. They are currently still floating away from each other, and there are fears that Libya is going to float all the way to France and use its entire population to mount an invasion.
The organisers of the event have hailed it as a huge success, even though several thousand people who happened to be standing on country borders when they moved had their legs ripped off, and millions more drowned. Earthquakes caused by the moving countries killed three billion people all over the world. The organisers described this as 'regrettable', and said that there would be extra safety rules ready in time for next year's event.
Americans were in shock today following the discovery of an enormous 500 mile wide bomb off the west coast of the USA. Meanwhile, in its continuing fight against piracy, Microsoft stationed eight armies, each consisting of around 100,000 geeks, around China, ready for a full scale invasion. There was an upset in Iran as well, caused by the arrival of Satan, who had decided to take a holiday there. The surrounding area was immediately polluted by the foul stench of his breath. A giant pair of scissors appeared in the Atlantic Ocean, threatening to slice Europe in two. In a development unconnected with this, the lost continent of Atlantis rose out of the ocean. Amazingly, there were still survivors from thousands of years ago - it seems they had suddenly decided to become Buddhists when the continent sank, and had survived by using their powers of thought and meditation to make the sea float above them as they sat on the ocean bed.
And finally, the people of South America continued to be unhappy due to the fact that they could only afford 5.25" disk drives. Good evening.
There was horror in Scandinavia today when a giant man was found skiing on top of Norway. The man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was trying to escape from a horde of mutant fish which were each a hundred miles long. The fish had materialised from a glitch in the space time continuum, which was currently still active in eastern Russia.
Meanwhile, in Cuba there was a massive party to celebrate the good old days of the 60s. Fidel Castro livened up the event by showing off three fully armed nuclear missiles (for old times sake). Many other countries also decided to get in on the event, including Iran, North Korea, Iraq, Libya and Israel.
The international wading championships were held today - it was the biggest event ever, as the atheletes had to wade from Greenland to Antarctica, all the way through the Atlantic Ocean. Unfortunately, one of the competitors died of a drugs overdose, another was struck by lightning, and the eventual winner was shot dead by the invisible man as he climbed onto the continent of Antarctica.
Also, people in India and China were worried following the discovery of footprints which are wider than the Himalayas. It is thought that the creature that made them has since jumped onto a different planet.
Copyright 1997-2006 Andrew R. Gillett