Harry Potter and the Magic Sausage
By Andrew Gillett
Written 5th - 7th February 2004
I have added some context about the writing of this story at the bottom of this page.
Note that the new URL for this site is argnet.arganoid.com
One day, Harry Potter and his friends Ron, Hermione and Adolf Hitler Jr were walking along through the grounds of Hogwarts.
"Do you think we'll win the Quidditch championship this year, Harry?" asked Ron.
"I don't know," said Harry. "What with Malfoy bringing an AK-47 to school and Voldemort making faces at me from the terraces, it's going to be pretty difficult this year."
Ron shuddered. "You know I don't like it when you say his name, Harry."
"I like it," said Adolf.
"No-one asked you, twatface," said Harry.
"Harry!" snapped Hermione. "That was very mean - apologise to Adolf."
"Sorry," sneered Harry.
Hermione moved closer to Harry as they walked along, and whispered in his ear.
"You shouldn't keep treating him like that. He can't help who his father was."
"It's not just that," whispered Harry. "Why does he have to follow us around all the time? It's not like he's done anything to earn our friendship. And he's in Slytherin, too."
"I'm sure he has hidden qualities," said Hermione. "We just need to make him feel comfortable, then he'll relax and open up."
"What are you guys talking about?" asked Adolf from behind them. "Are you talking about me? Are you talking about how much you hate me?"
"No-one's talking about that, Adolf," said Hermione.
"But you do hate me though, don't you?" whined Adolf. "You hate my wispy square moustache. You hate my whiny voice. You hate the way I keep wetting myself in class. You hate the way I smell."
"We don't hate the way you smell, Adolf," said Hermione, almost but not quite managing to conceal a hint of exasperation in her voice.
"Oh, really?" asked Adolf. "Well, let's just find out whether you're telling the truth." And with that, he suddenly shoved his armpit into Hermione's face. Hermione fell to the ground, making retching sounds as Adolf's putrid armpit fumes descended into her lungs.
"Get away from me, you freak!" she spluttered. Ron helped her up.
"Listen, Adolf," said Harry angrily. "I think we need to re-evaluate our friendship. It's just not working out."
"But Harry!" wailed Adolf, suddenly on the verge of tears. "You're my best friend! Just give me one more chance, I'm begging you!"
"One more chance," said Harry.
The first lesson of the day was Defence Against the Dark Arts. The students were still having trouble getting used to their new teacher on the subject, Professor Dobby.
"The day may come," said Dobby, "when a bad man will try to cast the Avada Kedavra curse on you. It is important that students know how to escape this spell! Dobby will demonstrate."
He took a deep breath.
"Oh no! Oh no!" shouted Dobby, as he started to run around the room, waving his arms in the air. "Bad man trying to kill Dobby! Dobby going to wet himself pretty soon!" Dobby ran towards Harry and leapt into his arms. "Harry Potter will save me!"
Dobby jumped back down to the ground. Harry hid his face behind his hands in embarrassment.
"And that," said Dobby, "is how you escape from the scary bad man. Any questions?"
A girl put her hand up. "What do we do if Harry Potter isn't there?"
Dobby considered this for a while. For a moment, Harry was sure he could dimly see strange lights pulsing inside the house elf's head - perhaps, he wondered, this was what happened when he thought really hard.
"If you do not have a Harry Potter with you," said Dobby, "then you must create one using the Patronus spell. You must all learn this so that you are prepared for the worst! Tomorrow we will all start practicing Harry Potter patronuses. Also, your homework for tonight is to write a poem about how great Harry Potter is. Class dismissed!"
"Well, that was a short lesson," said Hermione disappointedly. Since Dobby had ended the lesson early, the group had taken to aimlessly wandering the corridors of Hogwarts.
"I can't say that I agree with Dobby's teaching methods," said Harry. "He seems to think I'm the second coming or something. As if producing a Patronus of me is going to help anyone."
"Well, I think it would," said Adolf. "I'm going to practice and practice until I can create a great big Patronus in your image. Will you help teach me, Harry?"
"No," said Harry.
"So what are we going to do now?" asked Ron.
"Peeing contest?" said Adolf.
"Shut up," said Ron.
As they walked along, the group suddenly became aware of voices behind a nearby door. They stood still and started to listen. The conversation behind the door was highly muffled, but they were able to make out a few words.
"...Magic Sausage.... Voldemort... extremely dangerous... must take action..."
"This is Dumbledore's office," whispered Harry.
"So that voice must be... Dumbledore's!" exclaimed Adolf.
The door opened suddenly. "Yes indeed," said Albus Dumbledore. "Come in, come in, I've been expecting you!"
The students walked into Dumbledore's office. It appeared that Dumbledore had been alone in the room.
"Professor Dumbledore?" asked Hermione. "Who were you talking to just now?"
"Ah, well, that was for your benefit, my young friends," said Dumbledore. "I appointed Dobby as Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, knowing that he would let you out of lessons early. I also determined that today, your wanderings would take you past the door to my office. I carefully timed my mutterings so that you would hear them."
"Why?" asked Ron.
"Because," said Dumbledore, "I have a task for the four of you. You presumably heard me mention the Magic Sausage a moment ago."
"What is the Magic Sausage, Professor?" asked Harry.
Dumbledore stroked his long white beard for a moment, then continued. "As you will remember, Voldemort sought out the Philosopher's Stone several years ago, hoping to use its powers to gain eternal life. When we realised that Voldemort was trying to get hold of it, it was decided that the stone would be destroyed. Unfortunately, the stone was not destroyed properly."
"Fuck!" shouted Adolf.
Dumbledore looked at him disapprovingly. "As I was saying," he continued in a sterner tone of voice, "the stone was destroyed, but we were not completely thorough. The stone was crushed until it was little more than a powdery dust, and we thought this would be sufficient. Unfortunately, the stone was destroyed near a pig farm, and the wind blew much of the dust onto the farm. Some of it must have found its way into the pigs' food troughs.
It wasn't until a few months later that we realised something was wrong. A wizard passing by the farm noticed that one of the pigs was exhibiting strange behaviour, such as levitation. He notified me immediately, but before we were able to come to a decision as to what to do about it, the pig was taken to the slaughterhouse and turned into an extra-large sausage. Yes, Mr Hitler, what is it?"
Adolf had his hand up. "Please, Mr Dumbledore sir, I've wet myself."
Dumbledore sighed, and pointed his wand at Adolf's crotch.
Several thousand droplets of urine suddenly detached themselves from Adolf's trousers, flew across the room and landed neatly in a bucket in the corner.
"Not a use I'd normally recommend for that spell," said Dumbledore. "Without proper training, it can have quite unfortunate results. Now, where was I?"
"The sausage," said Hermione.
"Ah, yes. Well, I managed to find the butchers shop to which the sausage had been delivered, and was able to purchase it before it could fall into the wrong hands. I knew that the sausage would have the same powers as the Philosopher's Stone, so I had it locked away in the cellars here at Hogwarts so that Voldemort could not get his hands on it. And it's been there ever since."
"Professor?" asked Harry. "Why didn't you just have the sausage thoroughly destroyed?"
Dumbledore stared at him for a few seconds, his expression frozen.
"Damn! The thought never occurred to me! Oh well, it's irrelevant now. Voldemort has found out about the sausage and is on his way to eat it right now. In fact, he's entering the grounds of Hogwarts as we speak. I need you four to go and deal with him."
"What?!" shouted Harry. "You want us to stop him on our own? Aren't you going to help us?"
"For goodness sake Harry, I can't go around holding your hand every time you're in a risky situation. You're seventeen now, you need to start doing these things by yourself. Besides, Baywatch is on TV in a minute."
"Baywatch." insisted Dumbledore. "I should get moving if I were you, he's probably nearly at the sausage by now."
Harry and his friends stared in shock at Dumbledore for a second, turned to each other, then ran out of the room.
The group ran down a flight of stairs and found themselves in a small room within the cellars of Hogwarts.
"Where is this sausage anyway?" asked Hermione. "There are hundreds of rooms down here, it could be anywhere!"
Ron sniffed. "I think I can smell rotting meat. Perhaps it's the sausage? It is four years old, after all."
"I think you're right," said Harry. "The smell seems to be coming from this direction." He set off down a nearby corridor, with the others following close behind.
After a few minutes of walking down various corridors, Harry stopped. "Something's not right here - the smell always seems to be stronger in places where we've just been."
After a moments thought, Harry, Ron and Hermione turned to face Adolf, who flinched slightly.
"Sorry," he said. "I should have mentioned - I do tend to smell of rotting meat when my skin comes into contact with musty cellar air. Maybe I should-"
He was interrupted by Hermione. "Harry, look!" She was pointing at a nearby doorway, from which a strange glow was emanating.
The group slowly walked up to the doorway and looked through. On the other side was a large room. A stone pedestal stood at the centre of the room, and on top of that was the biggest sausage any of them had ever seen. The sausage gave off a yellowy-orange light which bathed the entire room in warm colours.
"Wow," said Ron.
"It's magnificent!" said Harry.
"Looks shit to me," said Adolf.
Ron scowled at him. "Why do you always have to spoil everything?" he said angrily.
"Shut up!" whispered Hermione. "This isn't the time or place for arguing - Voldemort could turn up at any minute!"
Ron shuddered. "I felt really cold when you said his name, it almost felt like he was standing right behind me."
They all considered this for a second, then turned around.
"Greetings," said Lord Voldemort.
The group backed away from Voldemort as he stepped through the doorway.
"No Dumbledore, I see?" he continued. "Clearly I was wise to time my arrival with the start of Baywatch. Now my only inconvenience is that I will have to decide how to kill the four of you."
Harry stepped forward. "I've beaten you five times already, and I'll do it again."
"Pah," spat Voldemort. "Most of those times you defeated me using the power of love. Well, that's not going to work this time. I've bought a cute bunny rabbit called Mr Flopsy and I am now fully familiar with the workings of love. I am now completely immune to your powers."
Voldemort walked up to the sausage, pushing the young wizards out of the way as he passed them. He smiled as he examined the sausage for a short time, then turned back to face Harry.
"Before I kill you, there's something that I think you should know." He walked away from the sausage and started to circle Harry, Ron and Hermione.
"Dumbledore never told you about your father, did he?"
"What do you mean?" asked Harry.
Voldemort continued walking around them. "James Potter was your father."
"Yes, I know."
Voldemort stopped, a slightly confused expression briefly appearing on his face. "Oh. I suppose you would. Well, I've got something that will definitely surprise you. Draco Malfoy is your aunt."
"That's blatantly not true," said Harry. "If you're trying to confuse me, you're not doing a very good job of it."
"Whatever," said Voldemort. "I'll just kill you instead. As soon as I've had a bite from the sausage."
He turned back to the sausage pedestal, suddenly let out a howl of anger.
The sausage was gone. Adolf was standing next to the pedestal, chewing assiduously, and occasionally licking his fingers.
"You! But..." shouted Voldemort. "Never mind! I'll just eat you instead!" He took a step towards Adolf.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," said Hermione.
Voldemort turned his head to look at her. She appeared to have just taken an AK-47 assault rifle from her rucksack.
"I nicked it off Malfoy the other day," she whispered to Harry and Ron.
Voldemort's hand slowly started to reach for his wand.
"One more move and I fire," said Hermione. Voldemort stopped.
"Come on Hermione," whispered Ron, "can't we let him eat Adolf and then shoot him? We'd be killing two birds with one stone!"
Suddenly Voldemort's hand moved at lightning speed, grabbing his wand and pointing it at Hermione.
Hermione unleashed a hail of bullets. Voldemort dropped his wand and staggered backward.
"Oh arse," he groaned. He fell to the ground, as Hermione emptied another clip into him.
The four students nervously approached Voldemort's lifeless body and looked down at it for a while.
"Well I never," said Harry. "I'd always thought we'd need to use magic to kill him."
He turned to Adolf.
"And I suppose I have to say well done, Adolf, for distracting him like that. If you hadn't been here, we'd probably be dead by now."
"I need the toilet," said Adolf.
Nine months later...
Albus Dumbledore was addressing the students at the end of term banquet.
"It is my pleasure to announce the results of this year's House Cup. I'm afraid that Gryffindor were docked 50 points for the use of an illegal firearm on the premises. Therefore, thanks to the efforts of Adolf Hitler Jr in assisting the defeat of Lord Voldemort, I am delighted to tell you that Slytherin have won the cup!"
Harry, Ron and Hermione sat in seething anger at the Gryffindor table.
"That little git," muttered Ron. "He won't be so immortal when I've finished with him."
Harry nodded. "Hermione, get the gun. It's arse-whupping time."
It shouldn't generally be necessary to explain jokes, but given the risk of misunderstanding, it may be worth doing here. When I started writing this, I had no idea what I was going to write - just the thought that "Harry Potter and the Magic Sausage" would be a funny name for a story. As I started the first sentence, "One day, Harry Potter and his friends Ron, Hermione", it seemed it would be funny to say "and" and just add a new friend out of nowhere. I wondered who would be the least likely person for them to be friends with. The joke with Adolf Hitler Jr is that it makes no sense on any level. First, there is or was no such person. Second, even if there had been, he wouldn't have been at an age to go to school in the 1990s when Harry Potter is set. Third, even if such a person had existed, why was he at Hogwarts? And finally, why would Harry, Hermione and Ron be friends with him? The fact that the character is an annoying loser relates to the tradition of undermining Hitler via ridicule. While most readers may be familiar with this tradition, there may be some who aren't, hence this.
P.S. Trans rights are human rights.
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Copyright 2010 Andrew R. Gillett (although trumped by JK Rowling's copyright over Harry Potter, obviously)